The breakup - and re-coming out...

“The moment we begin to fear the opinions of others and hesitate to tell the truth that is in us, and from motives of policy are silent when we should speak, the divine floods of light and life no longer flow into our souls.”  -Elizabeth Cady Stanton

I read this quote and its power overwhelmed me.  The truth is, I have been silent for a lot longer than I should have been because I feared judgment more than I valued honesty.  But today is the day that I change that view.  Today honesty trumps fear.  I’m getting way too old to give too many shits about being judged anyway.  So here’s the story…. (side note – there will be a “too long didn’t read” summary at the end if you are already bored and just want the shortened version.)

Amy and I met when we were 25 years old - in August of 2006.  We bought a house together in August of 2009.  In February of 2011 we had our first child, and in May of 2013, our second.  In late summer of 2014, Amy and I “officially” parted ways. 

I haven’t spoken a word of this to many people.  I was so afraid of the judgment that I would face for having a failed relationship.  Even more afraid to answer inquiries about the breakup.  I could go on and on about the reasons behind our breakup.  TRUTH? - They are MY reasons.  I don’t want to hide from my reasoning, but I also don’t believe that it’s anyone’s business but my own.  Just trust in the fact that after being together eight years, it wasn’t a decision made lightly.  Amy is an amazing mother and caregiver and no matter what, I will never speak a bad word about her.  It just didn’t work out for us.  That is all.  Together we are taking care of our two beautiful children and making sure they know they are loved more than anything in the world.  The kids are handling the transition well, and are still as amazing as ever.

So now that that’s out in the open, let me share a little story.  When Amy and I met, I had to spend a lot of time coming out of the closet and do a lot of explaining to a lot of people.  In that process, I lost “friends.”  These “friends” spent an awful lot of time worrying about me and my relationship instead of worrying about themselves.  Judgment was abundant from many.  Coming out was one of the most difficult processes I had ever experienced.

So now, in a sense, I am going to “come out” again – only this time I will not allow myself to fear the judgment or loss of “friends.”  A few months ago, I just happened to be in the right place at the right time – and the stars and moon aligned just right – whichever analogy you prefer…and I met and fell in love with an amazing man.  So allow me to introduce you to James.  A mechanical designer by day and musician by night.  He not only has an incredible free-spirit, but also one of the most beautiful souls I have ever been so lucky to have experienced.  I am so proud to have him in my life.

Sometimes life throws curveballs – but now more than ever, I believe that everything happens for a reason.  I’m 33 years old, and it may have taken a while, but I have finally found myself and am comfortable in my own skin.  I know exactly what I want and I won’t let fear or judgment hold me back.  I am happier now than I have ever been in my life – and there are so many exciting things that I am looking forward to in the near future (watch for updates if you’d like).

So now that I have been completely open and honest about the changes in my life recently, I know that I will lose some “friends” in the process again.  Here’s the deal, though…. If one chooses to judge me, they are not a friend I want in my life.  Life is too short to remain unhappy, fear judgment, and worry about what others think of you.  Moral of the story is that judgment should be reserved for the higher power – or your mom – because we all know that your mom will always judge you…. 

 

TL:DR – Amy and Heidi broke up (frown face).  Heidi found new love with James (Smiley face).  Kids are still amazing as ever (big smiley face).  Don’t judge people – it’s not nice.

 

 

The race

There are times when I just feel good.  As in mentally good.  Like overcoming an obstacle good, just passed a test good, confident in what I’m doing good.  You know, things like that. 

I was in one of those moods today.  I am almost done with all my lecture finals and lab proficiencies this semester, and I realized that I got an A in every lab – hence my feel-good mood. 

So as I pull up to a stop light this evening, while relishing in my sudden life-confidence, a car pulls up in the lane next to me.  I casually turn and make eye contact with the driver – no big deal.  This particular driver happens to be an elderly man (by “elderly,” I mean at least in his 70’s).  I offered a smile, because I just felt like it, and I looked over at him just long enough to wait for my reciprocal smile… but I never “truly” got one.

Instead, I got a shit-eating-grin, and a rev of his engine… as in an “I’m about to race you” type rev of his engine.  I thought – no way - he isn’t trying to race me.  It’s not possible.  He’s too old.

And then it happened.

I got smoked by a silver-streak in a 1994 Buick. 

At first I laughed it off.  Actually I laughed my ass off.  Because it was fucking hilarious. 

But then I thought – wait - that wasn’t so funny.  Not funny at all.  That guy just challenged me, and I totally fell for his non-existent bluff.  My game was totally off.  What the hell just happened?  

Suddenly I had this overwhelming wave of doubt and uncertainty wash over me.  I forgot all my formal training from school.  I didn’t know if I remembered to pack clothes for Charly for school tomorrow.  I didn’t know where the hell I was driving.  I JUST DIDN’T KNOW ANYTHING.

I was defeated.  Knocked down a few pegs.  Taken for a ride. 

I came home and reflected on the event.  I pondered why in the world my Zen had to be ruined for some idiot’s dangerous pubescent obsession.  I needed some sort of “glass is half-full” scenario to turn this into a positive experience.

So I decided that instead of thinking that this was some sort of attack on my self-confidence, I will believe that it was in fact the opposite.  I actually HELPED this man.  That dude is sitting around feeling might proud of himself, I’ll bet (well he was, before his 8pm bedtime).  I gave him back the courage and fearlessness that he one possessed as a young man.  He will wake up a rejuvenated man.

Or else he is just an asshole.  But as a mother, I will not use the latter as a life lesson.

The centipede story

Worst day of my life.  Worth putting in my blog, though.....

There I was, sitting on the couch minding my own business - when out of the corner of my eye I saw a tiny something crawling on the ceiling above me. Ordinarily, this is no big deal - I love me some bugs. But this was no ordinary bug. It was mysteriously long, moved pretty fast, and I could sense its evil from afar. It was... a centipede. My arch nemesis. I watched silently for a moment whil...e I planned my attack - but in a split second weak moment, I turned my head, and when I looked back, he was gone. I was horrified. He had outsmarted me.

Fast-forward 20 minutes or so. I am forever on the lookout, because I know that monster is going to strike with a vengeance when I least expect it. But in yet another weak moment, I forget about him for a minute while I stand in the kitchen, checking facebook on my phone. Movement was visualized out of my right peripheral - and all jokes aside - that sum bitch was ON MY FOOT. He looked up at me, smiled, and made a run for it.

One would think that I would have had a fool-proof plan in place of how to dispose of this savage beast when the time came, and been able to implement said plan when the time came. But I froze. I choked. I watched in disbelief as he scurried away, taking my pride with him.

Soon, something in me snapped, perhaps the motherly instinct finally made its first ever appearance, and I knew what I had to do. I had to kill this devil once and for all. So I picked up Charly's shoe (because, you know, the smartest thing to do in this situation is find the SMALLEST WEAPON IMAGINABLE), stretched as far as I could, and beat the ever loving bejezus out of him, until I was sure he couldn't haunt me in my sleep.

Me = 1. Centipede = probably more than one, because now I need to bug bomb the shit out of my house.

A collection of Charlyisms of the past

While I am finishing my finals and am unable to post much, I figured I would add a few Charlyisms and tidbits (FB posts) from the past year or so... 

---- I have the hardest time giving my two-year-old a time out. She gets in her chair and starts trying to talk her way out of it... "I like your pants, mom!" Seriously?



---- While at Target today, I hear a man yell "Honey, you missed the baby!" So I turned to look and he says to me "My wife saw your daughter from afar and said that she is so pretty that she needs to see how cute the baby is, too." So wife comes running over and oohs and aahs (very respectfully) and tells me she has never seen two more beautiful children and that they both look just so much alike and so much like me. Awwwww. I felt so proud.

Then Charly proceeds to grab a size 12 month dress from the rack and yell (loudly) "HEY! This is the dress I wore back in college!"

Didn't think I could get any "prouder." But I did



---- My "Charlyism" of the evening. She asks for M&Ms at 8pm. I say no, and can sense the temper tantrum about to ensue, but instead she takes a deep breath and says "Mom, you are a freaking hiking shoe!" I had no witty comeback (because WHAT.THE.HELL does that mean), so I just stared blankly. Then she gave me little side smile and said "That was pretty funny, right?"

Yes, Charly. It seems you are being raised with just enough dysfunction to make you funny.


---- Charlyism of the day...
Charly: Are we going to nana and papa's today or tomorrow?
Me: Tomorrow.
Charly: Well we're not going anywhere until I pick up these toys.

Parenting non-fail for once

Victory.

I had a goal.  A vision.  A NEED to fulfill said goal/vision.  And I had been trying and failing for many years.  Until yesterday.

Part of it was sheer luck - The "call" button was pushed at the exact moment it needed to be pushed.  And the phone was ringing. 

I almost panicked and hung up when I heard the sound of the ring instead of the dirty busy signal with which I am accustomed.  I thought, what if someone answers?  What if I make a total fool of myself?  What if I don't?  WHAT IS HAPPENING?

And then I heard it.  "Hi Ks95!" 

This was it.  I had no time for what if's anymore.  THIS is happening.

"I'm calling for *Smarter than Staci*"  I exclaim!

"And YOU are caller #9!"

Holy shit.

My face turned red and I had to turn off my ass warmer.  I don't remember exactly what happened in the immediate moments after I heard those sweet words - only that they took my information and put me on hold.  And I pulled off on the first exit I found, in the heart of the "east side," and parked in a liquor store parking lot.  I had no fear.

I listen to this show every day and I often wonder "Why aren't people more excited and talkative when they get through and get to play?"  I now understand.  They freeze.  They are focused on the prize.  Or, if they are like me, they are just focused on making sure their phone doesn't drop the call in the middle of the game.

Crisco, one of the members of the show, begins to talk to me.  He tells me that the questions are kind of hard today (which sends me farther in to panic mode), but that they have to be because it's for a good prize (concert tickets).

Here's how the game is played - FIVE questions are asked.  I have to get more correct than the other host, Staci, in order to win the prize.  She's the Cliff Clavin of useless information knowledge, so beating her in trivia proves challenging for many. 

Here were the questions -

What Roman numeral doesn't exist?
What are baby sharks called?
What serial killer began his killing spree in London in 1888?
What president started the secret service?
What is 238,900 miles from the earth?

I was wrong on the baby shark question and the president question (where the hell was my 3-year-old when I needed her?), but got the other three.

Staci was wrong on the shark and president question, too - so she just had to get the last question to tie me....

But she didn't.

And my life was now forever changed.  Many years and countless hours of dialing had finally paid off.  I never gave up.  I fought till the end.  And I won. 

And I get the long yearned for t-shirt.

Victory.



(Side note - I do realize that it's 2014 and I may be the only person I know who still listens to the actual radio on my way home, but apparently there are still hundreds of thousands of other people in the twin cities who listen to this station, because damn it - it's usually impossible to get through.  This is no lie - I have been trying since like 2010.  Amy just reminded me that I used to make her call from her phone at the same time - which makes me an even bigger dork - but I have no shame!)

Early lessons

Well, that was short lived (pun intended).  Helen Keller, our beloved goldfish of 16 whole hours, passed away this morning around 8am.  From the looks of it, it may have been of starvation, as President Kennedy was seen eating every speck of food in the bowl.  Or it could have been because goldfish either live for one day or until they are 10 feet long, and she chose the one day route (perhaps she didn't like the $1.99 goldfish "treats" that she would have had to survive on for the rest of her life).

Either way - we had to break it to Charly this morning.  She, of course, didn't really get it initially.  She just kept saying "Helen Keller is floating away!"  But something must have suddenly somewhat clicked in her head because the lower lip suddenly quivered as she turned to mommy and me and said "but I want Helen Keller to be alive again!"  Freaking heartbreaking. 

Amy thought we should have a little service for her - but I feared Charly would go to school Monday morning and announce that she flushed Helen Keller down the toilet this weekend and we would get an angry phone call from the teacher....

The fish

We decided that the kids were ready to take on some responsibility - I mean, one is 3 and the other is 10 months... so it's totally the appropriate time, right?

So they were each going to get their very own goldfish.

But before we bought the goldfish, we made our weekly trip to the library and I told Charly she needed to find a book on the proper way to care for her goldfish.  She happily obliged, and made her way to the "how to" section to find the perfect book (her choices were limited to the two goldfish books they had in the entire library).  Afterward, she thumbed through some more books and picked the ones she wanted this week (including a police book, a book about clocks, a book about ways to count to 100, and of course a book about the presidents), and was ready to check-out and go get her real goldfish.

As we were driving away from the library, we realized that the goldfish book was not in her bag, nor was it ever checked out.  She had forgotten it on her reading table.  How irresponsible was that, right?  So I told her that since she couldn't even keep track of her library book, she was totally not responsible enough to take care of a goldfish. 

OK - so you know that was a lie.  Simmer down.

Truth - I totally accepted responsibility for her book not getting in her bag.  I told her I should have double checked before we left (side note - I also lost one of Colty's shoes along the way too, but that bad-boy turned up inside the car somehow).  She was super upset and wasn't sure how she was going to know how to feed her goldfish if she didn't have that book.  Awww.  Super cute.

So anyway - Meet our newest family members... wait for it...

President Kennedy (left) and Helen Keller (right).

 

I can't make this shit up.