The race

There are times when I just feel good.  As in mentally good.  Like overcoming an obstacle good, just passed a test good, confident in what I’m doing good.  You know, things like that. 

I was in one of those moods today.  I am almost done with all my lecture finals and lab proficiencies this semester, and I realized that I got an A in every lab – hence my feel-good mood. 

So as I pull up to a stop light this evening, while relishing in my sudden life-confidence, a car pulls up in the lane next to me.  I casually turn and make eye contact with the driver – no big deal.  This particular driver happens to be an elderly man (by “elderly,” I mean at least in his 70’s).  I offered a smile, because I just felt like it, and I looked over at him just long enough to wait for my reciprocal smile… but I never “truly” got one.

Instead, I got a shit-eating-grin, and a rev of his engine… as in an “I’m about to race you” type rev of his engine.  I thought – no way - he isn’t trying to race me.  It’s not possible.  He’s too old.

And then it happened.

I got smoked by a silver-streak in a 1994 Buick. 

At first I laughed it off.  Actually I laughed my ass off.  Because it was fucking hilarious. 

But then I thought – wait - that wasn’t so funny.  Not funny at all.  That guy just challenged me, and I totally fell for his non-existent bluff.  My game was totally off.  What the hell just happened?  

Suddenly I had this overwhelming wave of doubt and uncertainty wash over me.  I forgot all my formal training from school.  I didn’t know if I remembered to pack clothes for Charly for school tomorrow.  I didn’t know where the hell I was driving.  I JUST DIDN’T KNOW ANYTHING.

I was defeated.  Knocked down a few pegs.  Taken for a ride. 

I came home and reflected on the event.  I pondered why in the world my Zen had to be ruined for some idiot’s dangerous pubescent obsession.  I needed some sort of “glass is half-full” scenario to turn this into a positive experience.

So I decided that instead of thinking that this was some sort of attack on my self-confidence, I will believe that it was in fact the opposite.  I actually HELPED this man.  That dude is sitting around feeling might proud of himself, I’ll bet (well he was, before his 8pm bedtime).  I gave him back the courage and fearlessness that he one possessed as a young man.  He will wake up a rejuvenated man.

Or else he is just an asshole.  But as a mother, I will not use the latter as a life lesson.

The centipede story

Worst day of my life.  Worth putting in my blog, though.....

There I was, sitting on the couch minding my own business - when out of the corner of my eye I saw a tiny something crawling on the ceiling above me. Ordinarily, this is no big deal - I love me some bugs. But this was no ordinary bug. It was mysteriously long, moved pretty fast, and I could sense its evil from afar. It was... a centipede. My arch nemesis. I watched silently for a moment whil...e I planned my attack - but in a split second weak moment, I turned my head, and when I looked back, he was gone. I was horrified. He had outsmarted me.

Fast-forward 20 minutes or so. I am forever on the lookout, because I know that monster is going to strike with a vengeance when I least expect it. But in yet another weak moment, I forget about him for a minute while I stand in the kitchen, checking facebook on my phone. Movement was visualized out of my right peripheral - and all jokes aside - that sum bitch was ON MY FOOT. He looked up at me, smiled, and made a run for it.

One would think that I would have had a fool-proof plan in place of how to dispose of this savage beast when the time came, and been able to implement said plan when the time came. But I froze. I choked. I watched in disbelief as he scurried away, taking my pride with him.

Soon, something in me snapped, perhaps the motherly instinct finally made its first ever appearance, and I knew what I had to do. I had to kill this devil once and for all. So I picked up Charly's shoe (because, you know, the smartest thing to do in this situation is find the SMALLEST WEAPON IMAGINABLE), stretched as far as I could, and beat the ever loving bejezus out of him, until I was sure he couldn't haunt me in my sleep.

Me = 1. Centipede = probably more than one, because now I need to bug bomb the shit out of my house.

A collection of Charlyisms of the past

While I am finishing my finals and am unable to post much, I figured I would add a few Charlyisms and tidbits (FB posts) from the past year or so... 

---- I have the hardest time giving my two-year-old a time out. She gets in her chair and starts trying to talk her way out of it... "I like your pants, mom!" Seriously?



---- While at Target today, I hear a man yell "Honey, you missed the baby!" So I turned to look and he says to me "My wife saw your daughter from afar and said that she is so pretty that she needs to see how cute the baby is, too." So wife comes running over and oohs and aahs (very respectfully) and tells me she has never seen two more beautiful children and that they both look just so much alike and so much like me. Awwwww. I felt so proud.

Then Charly proceeds to grab a size 12 month dress from the rack and yell (loudly) "HEY! This is the dress I wore back in college!"

Didn't think I could get any "prouder." But I did



---- My "Charlyism" of the evening. She asks for M&Ms at 8pm. I say no, and can sense the temper tantrum about to ensue, but instead she takes a deep breath and says "Mom, you are a freaking hiking shoe!" I had no witty comeback (because WHAT.THE.HELL does that mean), so I just stared blankly. Then she gave me little side smile and said "That was pretty funny, right?"

Yes, Charly. It seems you are being raised with just enough dysfunction to make you funny.


---- Charlyism of the day...
Charly: Are we going to nana and papa's today or tomorrow?
Me: Tomorrow.
Charly: Well we're not going anywhere until I pick up these toys.

Parenting non-fail for once